


disappear

by WahlBuilder



Category: Mars: War Logs
Genre: Depression, Gen, Surreal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-16
Updated: 2019-02-16
Packaged: 2019-10-29 13:31:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17808866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WahlBuilder/pseuds/WahlBuilder
Summary: He wonders what he’d see if he turned.





	disappear

‘How do you bear it? All of it?’

‘“With love…”’

‘“And eternal devotion.” I know that one.’

Roy doesn’t turn. He wonders what he’d see if he did. Those who looked, couldn’t find words, he knows; and metaphors came with time. Black hands. Black eyes. Stars-in-the-dark.

‘My lord.’

‘I am not a lord.’

‘I know, my lady. But they call you so, and many other things besides.’

‘I wish they didn’t call me anything.’

‘I wish they didn’t do it to me either. May I stay?’

‘You may.’

‘Forever?’

‘You may. But you would regret it.’

‘To choose one is to give up everything else?’

‘Yes. Regrets and what-if haunt you.’

‘I’m not a mystic, not a scholar, not a warrior, not a saviour, not a hunter. I’m just enough to understand that I’m _not_ enough. I want to be _more_ —and I want to not be at all.’

‘I know, child.’

‘I’m scared and so tired.’

‘I know, child.’

‘How do I undo myself?’

No answer.

He closes his eyes and turns his face and leans into the caressing, gentle coolness of darkness and stars and salt and water.

‘They _concrete_ me. Shape me, form me. I’m suffocating.’

‘You breathe them in.’

‘I’m suffocating. I hurt them all.’

‘You did. You hurt yourself, too.’

‘I did. I do. Everything is suffering. Am I selfish for wanting it to stop?’

‘You are not, child.’

‘Is it cowardly?’

‘It isn’t. You are hurting.’

‘I wish I was angry all the time instead of being… like this sometimes.’

‘You are tired.’

‘Angry is easier.’

‘But you are tired.’

‘I’m so tired.’

His face is stroked so gently. ‘Rest, child. Rest.’

He wishes he could disappear instead.


End file.
